Out of Africa

7 07 2014

This makes me angry. No, it’s beyond angry – I am livid. This is the epitome of obnoxious American egotism, self-centeredness and false entitlement. 

This Kendall Jones idiot apparently spent a shit-ton of daddy’s dollars, went to Africa, shot a bunch of endangered species and then bragged about it on Facebook. Seriously, Africa has enough problems with poaching and corruption and that brat goes and glorifies it. How overinflated must your ego be to believe that you have the right to travel to a foreign country and just eradicate these animals. I’d predict some wicked Karma coming back to bite her in the ass later. I just can’t even fathom it. 

And of course while the internet is blowing up, some praising her “bravery”, some vilifying her for her “cowardice”, and then when Facebook rightfully removes her photos, who comes to rescue other than Fox News? Geez, what a bunch of pontificating, pretentious a-holes. HUNTING ENCOURAGES CONSERVATION THE SAME WAY SMOKING IMPROVES YOUR HEALTH.  

I am especially disgusted because I have been to Kenya and seen these beautiful creatures for myself. I saw elephants and zebras and cheetahs and a flash of a lion as it darted in front of our vehicle. I took pictures of them and even got to pet an endangered white rhino in a conservation park. 

African lions are very rapidly disappearing from the Eastern and Southern African plains, decreasing in number anywhere from 30-50% every 20 years. Besides hunting there’s habitat loss and inbreeding, which leads to genetic diseases and further decreases the population. Not to mention she killed a male lion, which depending on its age, could have mated with several females over the course of it’s remaining life and sire several more cubs.

Black rhinos are critically endangered with barely over 5,000 remaining in the wild. The white rhino was nearly extinct but has now grown to just over 20,000, primarily in South Africa. But, they are experiencing a poaching crisis since there is still the asinine demand for ivory in Asia. It’s 2014. When are those idiots going to realize that ivory has no magical nor medicinal powers – its made of keratin – the same stuff that makes up your fingernails. 

And the most beautiful creature that she so cowardly killed is the African leopard. This big cat has been consistently hunted for decades for it’s beautiful fur. It’s currently described as ‘near threatened’ today and their numbers continue to decline due to habitat loss and hunting for fur, sport or perceived livestock loss by locals.  

This bitch is the one who should be shot because there is certainly no shortage of spoiled, blonde brats wasting daddy’s money. Let’s do this Hunger Games-style and I’ll go all Katniss Everdeen on her ass and she’ll have an ass full of arrows. Or, just send her out into the African wilderness without her guns, her guides, her cell phone and the rest of her pathetic posse and see how long she lasts. Or, ya know, just wait a few decades for her to get fat and get diabetes and high cholesterol and have a heart attack like many other Americans. 

The only thing animals should be shot with is a camera. 


All Hail The Dark Ticket Overlord

1 07 2014

The Dark Master

Ticketmaster, you are an evil, merciless, overlord with an insatiable lust for money. And our souls.

It all started innocently enough. I just found out that one of my favorite indie performers was finally coming to South Florida, I couldn’t miss out on seeing her one-of-a-kind show. Again.

I was thrilled that last minute general admission tickets were only $25 each. And then the fees started and I my credit card and I were sucked into a dark spiral of despair.

A $10 service fee per ticket? (That’s 40% of the total ticket cost.)

What is included in this service that is apparently worth $10? An express manicure so that my nails and cuticles look their best when handing over said tickets and when applauding at the show? Access to the VIP Ticket Redemption Line at the show which includes a free shot of Goldschläger on the way in? Perhaps you are entered in a raffle to win a free iPad? (Everyone gives away free iPads.)

In any case, I can understand how the novel, cutting edge technology of buying something on the internet is worth the extra dollars. It’s very labor intensive. First there’s searching for and selecting the seats. Then typing in all of my information, then you are pressured to create an account and enter more information and then there is some very tedious button-clicking and – wait a minute. I’m doing all this work with no payment, yet other are profiting from my labor. Isn’t there a word for that? Wasn’t it banned in the US in the 1860s? I digress.

Standard gratuity for human beings that do service work like servers, masseuses, bartenders and hookers is only 20%. But that’s not even guaranteed. The patron has the right to tip whatever he or she wants. Whether it’s 10%, 25%, a passive aggressive note on the check itself, or the used lottery ticket, stray button and lint from your pocket.

So then add to that twenty bucks $5.65 for an Order Processing Fee and $2.50 for the privilege of printing at home. Almost $6 for maybe a full second of work? That’s $360/hour and most certainly six figures per year. I can’t think of anyone who makes that kind of salary – except maybe Beyonce. And then obviously you need to pay to print the tickets at home because hey – BUYING tickets electronically is easy. But redeeming tickets electronically is currently still an unsolved mystery of the universe like black holes, black jelly beans and time travel.

So my $50 tickets end up costing $78.15. Whew – got the confirmation email (shouldn’t there be a fee for this as well?) Now I can breathe a sigh of – hang on, what’s this?

It’s a gift from one of the Dark Master’s minions congratulating me on the insurance policy, which I apparently purchased for $14, insuring my intangible tickets, for the next four days. What a bargain!

I remember wishing I had intangible ticket insurance the LAST time my computer got hacked by terrorists and a couple of jihadists used it to access an EDM concert and attach a bomb to the subwoofer so that the stadium would explode when Skrillex finally ‘dropped the bass.’ (Fortunately their plan was thwarted by Jack Bauer and Jason Statham.)

So I guess now I understand why it’s called the omnipotent Ticketmaster. We are all slaves to its monopolous and unwavering will. Quick, you fool, open your wallet! The Dark Master demands a financial sacrifice or he will rain down lightning and fire and locusts upon us all! (Or just keep us from groveling at the feet of our favorite entertainers – which is a far worse fate.)


ROTD 06/22/14

22 06 2014

Woot! Another Review of the Day on Yelp.

Screen Shot 2014-06-22 at 9.00.35 AM Screen Shot 2014-06-22 at 9.00.53 AM

The Art of Giving

4 11 2013

The Art of Giving

RSVP by clicking the picture above or this link: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/8860031593

Try ‘Em & Fry ‘Em

20 08 2013

I am absolutely appalled and speechless after reading this article about three midwest kids who “were bored and didn’t have anything to do, so we decided to kill somebody.”

From left, James Francis Edwards, 15, Michael Dewayne Jones, 17, and Chancey Allen Luna, 16, are being tried as adults

From left, James Francis Edwards, 15, Michael Dewayne Jones, 17, and Chancey Allen Luna, 16, are being tried as adults (*disclaimer: horns not part of original mugshots)

Is that what our nation has been reduced to? Arrogant, entitled kids that thanks to pop culture and the internet have experienced all there is to experience in life by the age of 17, so logically they move on to killing people. Seriously, what a senseless act of violence.

This kid Christopher Lane was bettering himself both physically and mentally at the University of Oklahoma and he was brutally gunned down by three kids that probably wouldn’t have even graduated high school. Maybe its unfair to make that assumption as I know nothing more about these little bastards than what I’ve read in the news reports but judging by their cavalier attitude towards their crime and their blatant disregard for human life, I think its safe to assume that they were pretty worthless gutter punks.

So they were bored. At least they had a good reason for killing somebody. It’s not like they could have participated in some kind of physical activity themselves. And Heaven forbid any of them should have an after-school job and actually contribute something to society. And no kids probably do volunteer work these days to help other people or animals except the ones that want to look good on a college application. I would hypothesize and almost be willing to be money the Mtv and Playstation spent more time raising these kids than their parents did. Man, I’ve become cynical.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming Lil Wayne or Halo or Call of Duty or whatever. These kids acted of their own free will and are totally at fault. However, I don’t think anyone can deny that pop culture glorifies slutty girls, thugs, hedonism and violence. Several reasons why I don’t own a TV, subscribe to cable or listen to pop music these days. So believe it or not, you do have choice as to whether or not you want to absorb this crap. That’s collectively what our American culture is: crap. Junkfood, fast food, mind-numbing music, celebrity worship, reality TV, tabloids. All worthless. And we are constantly exporting that crap to other countries. I traveled to Africa and Europe this summer – both continents that have centuries more culture than we have even been a nation and they trade it all for our Western crap culture. It’s “crapture.”

And how the hell did these kids get ahold of a gun in the first place? I’m sure this will reignite blazing fire that is the gun debate, which I don’t think was ever actually extinguished since the last tragedy. Should they be tried as adults? Absolutely. They were 100% conscious of their very adult decisions, if not its repercussions, at the time. Why does no one seem to have foresight these days? I get the impression that the majority of people can’t see beyond the weekend. I know I’m on a bit of a rant and I’ll calm down as it this story fades from the headlines just like everyone else, but the sentiment is still the same regardless of my emotional state. In fact, I will probably get angered several more times at the amount of time and taxpayer money wasted on trials of these sons of motherless goats.

Well, I hope you had your fun, kids. Because you’re going to be a lot more bored behind bars. Anticipating your rightful and imminent demises.

RIP Christopher Lane.

RIP Christopher Lane

The Most Epic Cat Beard. Ever.

31 05 2013

Well I finally know why I was put on this earth. The culmination of my 28 years has manifested itself in the form of what I’m pretty sure is the most epic cat beard photo on the internet. (If you don’t know what that is, click the link to find out then come back when you can fully appreciate this post.) I apologize in advance for all the cat puns.

I thought it was gonna be just another lame, Friday night at home because my friends flaked on happy hour. After dinner and watching the season finale of The Office on Hulu several weeks after it aired, I decided to once again attempt the latest cat meme dominating the internet. My first few attempts were feeble. You could see too much of my face or too much of the cat and our alignment was totally off. Attempts 1-4 were pretty much the same amount of fail. Number 5 was close, but you could see my nose and my knee. Attempt 6 I couldn’t even see because the cat was blocking the screen of my iPhone. But then, for attempt number 7, the planets and the stars aligned and the fates conspired to catapult me to fluffy-faced fame. I looked at the screen in awe. It was purrfect. I couldn’t import it into Instagram and pick a filter fast enough. I didn’t want to deprive the world of this image any longer than I had to.

Behold the epic cat beard:

Epic Cat Beard

It’s ok if you need to look away because the power of the meow-stache and beard is too overwhelming for your mortal eyes. Maybe putting on sunglasses or looking at it through a little hole in a piece of paper (like you did in Elementary school during an eclipse) would help. Everyone knows the Internet was invented and is ruled by omnipotent cat-gods and I believe this pleases them immensely. I can only hope one day to mingle with other world wide web famous felines like Grumpy Cat, Lil Bub and I Can Haz Cheeseburger Cat. Dare to dream.

I would love to divulge my secret to the perfect cat beard positioning, but I have been sworn to secrecy as the Grand Wizard of the High Cat Beard Council. But, ye mortals are welcome to guess what it is. 😉

Yelp ROTD: Joy’s Roti Delight

29 11 2012

My first Review of the Day in Broward County.

I miss writing(/yelping). And South Beach. *Sigh*