All Hail The Dark Ticket Overlord

1 07 2014

The Dark Master

Ticketmaster, you are an evil, merciless, overlord with an insatiable lust for money. And our souls.

It all started innocently enough. I just found out that one of my favorite indie performers was finally coming to South Florida, I couldn’t miss out on seeing her one-of-a-kind show. Again.

I was thrilled that last minute general admission tickets were only $25 each. And then the fees started and I my credit card and I were sucked into a dark spiral of despair.

A $10 service fee per ticket? (That’s 40% of the total ticket cost.)

What is included in this service that is apparently worth $10? An express manicure so that my nails and cuticles look their best when handing over said tickets and when applauding at the show? Access to the VIP Ticket Redemption Line at the show which includes a free shot of Goldschläger on the way in? Perhaps you are entered in a raffle to win a free iPad? (Everyone gives away free iPads.)

In any case, I can understand how the novel, cutting edge technology of buying something on the internet is worth the extra dollars. It’s very labor intensive. First there’s searching for and selecting the seats. Then typing in all of my information, then you are pressured to create an account and enter more information and then there is some very tedious button-clicking and – wait a minute. I’m doing all this work with no payment, yet other are profiting from my labor. Isn’t there a word for that? Wasn’t it banned in the US in the 1860s? I digress.

Standard gratuity for human beings that do service work like servers, masseuses, bartenders and hookers is only 20%. But that’s not even guaranteed. The patron has the right to tip whatever he or she wants. Whether it’s 10%, 25%, a passive aggressive note on the check itself, or the used lottery ticket, stray button and lint from your pocket.

So then add to that twenty bucks $5.65 for an Order Processing Fee and $2.50 for the privilege of printing at home. Almost $6 for maybe a full second of work? That’s $360/hour and most certainly six figures per year. I can’t think of anyone who makes that kind of salary – except maybe Beyonce. And then obviously you need to pay to print the tickets at home because hey – BUYING tickets electronically is easy. But redeeming tickets electronically is currently still an unsolved mystery of the universe like black holes, black jelly beans and time travel.

So my $50 tickets end up costing $78.15. Whew – got the confirmation email (shouldn’t there be a fee for this as well?) Now I can breathe a sigh of – hang on, what’s this?

It’s a gift from one of the Dark Master’s minions congratulating me on the insurance policy, which I apparently purchased for $14, insuring my intangible tickets, for the next four days. What a bargain!

I remember wishing I had intangible ticket insurance the LAST time my computer got hacked by terrorists and a couple of jihadists used it to access an EDM concert and attach a bomb to the subwoofer so that the stadium would explode when Skrillex finally ‘dropped the bass.’ (Fortunately their plan was thwarted by Jack Bauer and Jason Statham.)

So I guess now I understand why it’s called the omnipotent Ticketmaster. We are all slaves to its monopolous and unwavering will. Quick, you fool, open your wallet! The Dark Master demands a financial sacrifice or he will rain down lightning and fire and locusts upon us all! (Or just keep us from groveling at the feet of our favorite entertainers – which is a far worse fate.)



OMG I Want One!

10 08 2012

It’s a slow loris, and its gotta be on cute steroids. I totally wanted one, until I read about them on Wikipedia and learned that they are endangered and one of their two biggest threats is wildlife trade (the other is habitat loss.) Poor things get their teeth cut or removed before being sold as pets since they have a toxic bite. No matter how cute they are, wild animals shouldn’t be mutilated and kept in cages for peoples’ amusement. I don’t want one anymore. 😥

Where The Fashion Things Are

30 06 2012

I just wanted to comment on how much I LOVE Mulberry’s FW’12 Where the Wild Things Are campaign. If you’re not familiar, Mulberry is a super-expensive Brit brand favored by one of my select style icons, Kate Middleton. I “stumblred” across a couple pics from the campaign on a friend’s feed and had to pursue it further. I found more pics here on Oyster.

I’m not much into models, but this Lindsey Wixson seems to me to be the next big thing. She was also in the Versace for H&M commercial that I previously posted about. (OF COURSE H&M opens in South Beach days after I moved outta there. Sigh.)

Here’s some more info in case you’re too lazy to click the link:

“Lindsey Wixson is back as the face of Mulberry for the third consecutive season. The Texan model stars in the British label’s FW12 campaign, photographed by Tim Walker.

Shot on location in England’s Blackheath Forest, the campaign pays homage to the late Maurice Sendak and his much-loved children’s book Where The Wild Things Are. Adorable monsters with an even more adobale Lindsey (plus the new Lana Del Rey bag) together makes for a memorable campaign for the British label.”

Cats and Doughnuts

3 02 2012

Took yesterday off, but this was my office when I walked in this morning. 😛
Update: Got these birthday ‘catcakes’ later in the afternoon! ❤ my work peeps!

Yummy! Birthday Catcakes!

Confessions of an Aquarian: I Got Gypped!

1 02 2012

So my birthday is tomorrow which puts me smack dab in the middle of the Aquarius sign. I don’t know much about it other than it’s the water-bearer sign. How lame is that? If we had to go to college based on our astrological signs, my school’s mascot would be pretty lame. What are we going to threaten the other teams with? Water balloons? Super soakers?

We would get our asses kicked (collectively – I don’t mean me, because I’m awesome at sports) at sports by all the animal sign schools. There’s Leo U, home of the Lions, Cancer State, home of the killer crabs, University of Aries, home of the rams, Scorpio A&M, home of the scorpions, Sagittarius State, home of the Centaur Archers,  Taurus Tech, home of the bulls, U Cap(ricorn), home of the surly Sea-Goats, U Pisces, home to the fighting Fish and Gemini-versity, home of the Double-teaming Twins. I guess it could be worse. We could be the Libras (Military School) or the Virgos (Catholic School). At least my sign doesn’t have any sexual restrictions.

OH COME ON! My planet is Uranus. Really?! “We’re going to throw water balloons at Ur anus!” And how is the element air and not water? Whoever invented these signs must have been on some ancient equivalent of crack.

If my sign had something to do with Mermaids, that would be one thing. But, just to carry around a bucket of water? Lame! The only degrees we can get at Aqua U are fire fighting, lawn maintenance and bar-tending.

I guess we do have that one flower-child fueled song from the 60’s. Damn hippies. I give up. Is it too late to change my birthday?

Fork You! I'm an Aquarian, biotch!

Sleepless Nights & Breakfast Pastries

1 02 2012

You know you’re sleep-deprived when you tell your boyfriend at breakfast that “Thou shalt not serve cold cinnamon rolls” is the thirteenth commandment. “Really? What are 11 and 12 then?” he said. After a good 90 seconds or so of LOLing, I was like “I don’t know!”

And the Lord did see the cinnamon rolls dripping with warm, gooey icing, and he was pleased.

Mirandafesto Part 1

24 01 2012